(Why You Shouldn’t Overlook Character Flaws While You Date)
Note: Names have changed to conceal the identity of individuals.
I have a friend named Sandy. She always had a big smile on her face. She lit up every room she entered. She was friendly and bubbly. People liked being around her. She also loved God. Her goal was to be a Bible translator, to bring God’s truth to a group of people halfway around the world. Lo and behold, one day she met her Prince Charming, Stanley, who also wanted to be a Bible translator so it was a match made in heaven. Or so she thought.
Long story short they got married and were out in the field of nowhere figuring out how to translate the Bible into this new language. That’s when things started getting bad. Sandy was so in love with Stanley that during the dating phase she overlooked certain behaviors like how possessive he was, how he needed to know every person she interacted with that day, and how he would manipulate her to feel guilty for speaking up against what she saw.
Eventually, after a few years of marriage, they divorced. It was devastating to her and to her friends (including me) because I always thought, “If anybody’s marriage is going to be rock solid in God it’d be Sandy’s because she was very God-centered and look. Her husband is even interested in Bible translation work just like her. If there was a match made in heaven this would be it!”
But things are not what it seems often time. Underneath, a well put together public façade someone’s marriage might be collapsing altogether. That’s why it’s all the more important that during the dating phase you don’t fall heads over heel for someone to the point where you overlook character issues. If you do it will come back to haunt you. You might want not to emotionally commit to marrying this person, but give yourself a way out just in case you discover something off about the person. One way to be vigilant is to ask your parents or people you trust who have no skin in the game to give you their honest assessment of the person.
I get people asking me, “So when are you getting married?” and it puzzles me because I don’t know how to answer this question. It’s not like there’s a long line of godly single women who are ready to go. Just as women complain about how there are not that many godly men. Vice versa is equally true. Godly people are just really, really rare. Count yourself fortunate if you have some as friends because there are many people in this world who have never and will never encounter one.
When I’m talking about godly people I’m not talking about people who go to church every Sunday and give a few dollars to charity and even participate in a Bible study regularly. With that said, there’s certainly nothing wrong with this. People who are truly godly are those who are willing to give up everything, including their very lives, to do God’s will. Yes, it’s a tall order. But from a Biblical point of view it’s the minimum God expects of someone who claims to follow Him (Matthew 16:24).
With rare exceptions, those who are godly tend to be on the more poor side as wealth controls a man (Mark 10:17-27). They live in obscurity. Nobody knows them. They are not “who’s who” or social media influencers. They are not trying to please people or make people like them. Their goal is to please only God. The better looking or wealthier a person is the less godly they tend to be because they are not willing to surrender what is highly esteemed amongst people to “scrub toilets” (euphemism for service) if you will. This is just another way of saying allowing God to use you in whatever capacity He sees fit and sometime it might not be what you want to do (see Book of Jonah).
As an aside, I have met scores of Christian women who have issues that prevent them from being more for God and I do notice a pattern.
Jackie: Never felt like her dad really liked her. Dad was emotionally distant and didn’t show any affection or emotional care toward her. Because she feels unwanted by her dad she has trust issues with men, which sabotages all male relationships.
Monica: She was raped by men and this has really affected her trust of men. She would rather be single than allow a man into her life.
Eva: From the moment she was born, her grandfather and father both hoped that she was a boy. They had a preference for males who carried the last name. Her little brother was given preferential treatment. Til this very day, she feels unwanted and unimportant.
Eliza: Her parents divorced when she was just six. Her dad disappeared for years. Her mom abandoned her so that she could “live her life”. Because of this she has always felt insecure and is fearful that her future husband will divorce her just like how her parents divorced.
If you have issues (and we all do to varying degrees), it’s important to work on them. If you don’t it can destroy your future marriage. And working on them might require you to pony up money to get help, get counseling, buy resources, go to retreats and conferences, etc. Yes, it can cost you a lot of money, but if you are serious about working on your issues your heart will follow where your money goes.
Now, your issues might never go away completely, but as long as it’s manageable that’s all that matters and only you know what’s “manageable”. So remember, before you date someone make sure you iron out your issues, whatever they are, and don’t fall in love too much where you overlook the other person’s issues.